I'm back...maybe?

Been quite some time, hasn't it? Over a year since my last post. Well a LOT has happened in that year. For one thing :

March 20, 2014 this precious boy came in to the world! Yes, that's right, shortly after my husband arrived in California in June of last year we became pregnant with this miracle. Absence and the heart, right? Lol! Since then I will admit it has been one hell of a trip. My other boys are fourteen and (almost) 11. It's been so much like starting over it's ridiculous. On top of that I've gained ALL my lost pounds back PLUS some more. I'm now tipping the scales at 364. Yep. It's awful! That being said, I am determined to get back on track. It's not going to be easy because I'm working full time and trying to find a part time job so we can pay the bills (my husband has been unable to find a job since he moved out here...I know, it's terrible! Fricking economy sucks and they won't pay him a decent wage when they can hire two illegals for less than they would have to pay him!). My diet as of late has been horrible and lets not even talk about my lack of exercise. I need encouragement big time! Anyone know when Chris Powell will be needing new folks for Extreme Weight Loss? L. O. L!

In Which I Explain My Long Absence.

Oh how time has gone by. I look at my last entry and think to myself, REALLY? Fricking APRIL? How is that even POSSIBLE?!?! Well, here's how that's possible. First off, I became a travel nurse for a little while. Then in May my beloved pitbull died from her seizure disorder. Then the job market in Ohio got REALLY awful. The only travel assignment I had available would have had me in the bowels of Toledo taking up to eight patients a night. No bueno. So I was out of work and had no clue what would happen. So my folks advised me to apply for jobs in California. I did. I got a call almost immediately for a phone interview. The phone interview went so well that I was scheduled for an in-person interview for the next week. Fuck! How the hell was I supposed to get to California when I was broke?! So my folks foot the bill for a plane ticket. I flew out on a Tuesday and interviewed the next day. I was supposed to hear back the following Monday but my (future) boss got stuck on the east coast during hurricane Sandy and it took her another few days to get back. She called the day she got back and offered me the job. I started two weeks later. A month later (Thanksgiving) my father flew back to Ohio to gather my Jeep Cherokee, my children, and my dog (I rescued an absolutely awesome pitbull named Emma). They made it about four hours before the engine blew. 24 hours, 2000 dollars, four days, and a train ride later my kids and father were in California. My dog had to stay in Ohio because they don't allow dogs on the train. Things were going swell after that. It's tense with two families living in one house but we were doing okay. Then my brother wrecked his motorcycle, making it necessary for us to have another vehicle. So he and my father head back to Ohio yet again to pick up my cherokee (which had just had a new engine installed thanks to my extended warranty). Two days later they are in California with my vehicle. I went to drive the boys to school in it and that's when my father informs me that, oh by the way, did I know that the transmission was gone? WTF! A week later my savings account (I've been saving for a place of my own so I can bring out my husband, our stuff, and my fur babies) was empty but I have a new transmission. When I picked it up I expected them to tell me about the power steering leak because I knew about that, but in addition to that they inform me that I need a new suspension because mine is completely rusted out and it's dangerous to drive my vehicle in that condition. Oh, and I need at least two new tires also. So.....what have YOU been up to? Hmmmmm?

Thank you guys SO much for your kind words and encouragement! As of right now, the phone conversation with my boss was the last I heard of the situation. In fact, the next night I was scheduled to work, my boss called me to see if I could come in early to help out day shift. Normally I wouldn't have but I wanted to play nice so I helped them out. My boss bought me lunch (in the form of a gift card). I'm not going to say that it's over without a doubt, but all signs point to a good resolution. As one of my co-workers put it, "It would be an awful lot of trouble for them to go through to try to prove you falsified documentation...especially since it didn't happen." It was an encouragement to hear all of their positive comments and offers to write letters of character reference for me to the Patient Relations office. Apparently, I'm not a bad nurse and my co-workers kind of like me.

This Has Nothing to do With Losing Weight but I Had to Write it Out

Somehow when I left work Wednesday morning I just KNEW there would be trouble coming from this certain patient's family member. I had had difficulty with them all night long and I could just feel that she was going to make trouble. She had that aura about her. She didn't listen to my recommendations, but she listened to me enough to twist my words around and then lie about me to Patient Relations which got me an angry phone call from my manager saying that according to this patient's family member, I never listened to the patient's lungs, I was trying to over medicate that patient, and that I was inattentive. She's even accusing me of falsifying documentation because I charted that I assessed the patient's lungs when, according to her, I did not. This is a bunch of bullshit of course. I listen to EVERY patient's heart and lung sounds AT THE VERY LEAST!!!! So my manager says this woman has seven pages of documentation of things I didn't do and on and on and I'm just flabbergasted that someone would go to that length to try to get me in trouble. All I did was try to do what was best for my patient and I was totally slammed with other patients at the same time. I did tell my manager that this particular family member wasn't in the room the whole time, having stepped out of the room to talk on the phone, and possibly just didn't see me doing the assessment (it doesn't take but a couple of minutes to do) and that the family member and I did have a personality conflict that was obvious from the get go, she being adamant that she was a nurse and knew what I was talking about, and also that the family member certainly wasn't writing this seven pages of documentation overnight because she was sleeping. She also accused me of trying to over medicate the patient because I was concerned that she didn't have adequate oral pain med coverage with what the doctor ordered and though the patient was allergic to one pain med I tried to ask if they had discussed alternative pain meds that could give good coverage and not the same response, each time the patient's family member shut me down, interrupting me and not letting me finish. I tried to stress to the patient and the family member that I was simply concerned for the patient's well being and wanted them to have adequate pain control. Now my job AND my license are in jeopardy because of this woman and her lies. I have NO idea what I did that would cause someone to try to go that far to get me in trouble. I am praying but I will be honest...managers and patient relations people are politicians and almost always side with the patient. Though they can't PROVE I didn't do an assessment, it's only my word that says I did. I just don't know what to do. I'm so stressed out. My stomach is in knots. My hands are all sweaty. I'm having a fight or flight response and I'm a fighter with nothing to fight except accusations from someone bearing false witness. It's an attack through and through and I can only pray that it will be resolved without any discipline on my license and without me losing my job.

One Line is A Good Sign

     Ladies, you know that line I'm talking about. One line good. Two lines and there is usually a rather emotional response. Now this is just in MY case. In many cases that second line is eagerly anticipated and dreamed about nightly. In fact, that second line can be what consumes some folks lives. I love both of my "second lines" dearly and don't regret their being for one second. I even plan on having another one. Just not. right. now. While it might seem like no big deal to some people, I am one of those folks who knows from experience that no matter how prepared you are, a child completely changes the dynamic of your life. It doesn't matter if you already have one (or more), that addition changes things. It might seem cruel that where some have trouble making that miracle occur I have just the opposite issue. I won't go in to the dirty details (your welcome) so let's just say that no matter what form of birth control I use, have used, or will use, I always have a HPT on hand (usually more than one). 
     Here's why NOW is NOT a good time for that second line to pop up: 1) I'm still far to obese to support a healthy pregnancy, delivery, and recovery. While many women my size and age have had healthy pregnancies, uncomplicated deliveries, and require minimal recovery; my history of two complicated pregnancies, two c-section deliveries, and one post-op complication means that the closer I am to my goal weight when I get pregnant, the better the chances for me and the baby. 2) I am moving to California this year. Getting pregnant would delay that move by at least a year to allow for the pregnancy and post-op period. You can't get short-term disability if you haven't been with a hospital for at least a year and that is how most nurses make ends meet when they are off for maternity leave (STD usually pays out 60% of your salary for up to six months). Plus...what hospital in California is going to hire a nurse knowing she's pregnant and going to be off for at least six weeks only a short time after being hired? I wouldn't. 3) I JUST got back in the game! I want to see that scale going down! I want to buy smaller clothes and then smaller and smaller, etc! I want to start running again (safely)! I have other fitness and health goals but you get the point. I'd like to achieve the BIG ones before I get pregnant again.  So fare I've taken two test and both were negative. If I don't get the definitive answer in the next few days, I'll test again on Sunday. Wish me luck because I'd really like to be all healthy and settled in California before bringing the next mini-me into the world.

Back In Action

Today was my first (authorized) day back in the gym. I had NO pain in my foot, NO pain in my ribs, and I could actually breathe. It was AWESOME!!! I had to cut my cardio back by five minutes due to some intense lung burning (probably due to some scarring caused by the pneumonia) but it was only five minutes and that is acceptable for now. I then went on to have an awesome upper body workout. I'm so glad to be back in action. I was seriously starting to get the Black Dog following me and it was NOT Sirius Black. When I went in to the gym and scanned my card the manager was at the desk and he said, "Rebecca! Good to see you back and on the mend!" So sweet of him. I know my tendency to overdue it when I feel good so I'm taking tomorrow to rest and then going back on Wednesday. I can already tell that my arms are going to be sore tomorrow. Is it weird that that makes me smile?

It Happens

Hey there blog land! I know we haven't talked in awhile, but it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you. My life went into a tailspin of illness and injury and it's still not over. I haven't quite been able to kick the pneumonia completely and even though the stress fracture in my foot has healed...my heel is now shooting red hot pokers up my calf. On top of that in a sleep induced haze I tripped over my dog and did a swan dive into my closet, seriously bruising the crap out of my ribs. If it wasn't so painful...I'd be rolling on the floor laughing at my misfortune. Actually I have been laughing at my misfortune because let's face it, it's funny. I haven't been this clumsy since I was a small child. Needless to say, I have been on hiatus from dieting and exercising. Please forgive me friends and please pray for my speedy recovery.

Faux Pas

Um, yeah. So I've been in a real rut for the last week because I've been battling a case of pneumonia. I hate being sick but most of all I got depressed because my doc told me I couldn't workout until the pneumonia was cleared up. I had just gotten into a routine of eating right and going to the gym and then BLAMMO! Stupid pneumonia. Well it's clearing up finally but it's taking some time. I am not good about eating right when I'm sick and on top of that I've still been working (because if I can get the hours I'm working them after the past couple months of being forced to not work), so I've been MIA because I'm ashamed of myself. There are plenty of folks who can get sick and not throw everything out the window. I thought I was one but not this time. Yesterday I was helping another nurse with a VERY confused and agitated patient and in the midst of making sure she didn't fall and break her hip, she repeatedly called me a big, fat, hog. That did not help my mood. Stupid confused patients. Stupid pneumonia. Stupid rut. Well, I'm not going to take it anymore. Screw everything. I may not be able to exercise but dammit I can eat right.

These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes

I had the worst nightmare last night. In my dreams I'm usually at my pre-baby, hotness, weight and I basically kick ass. I've been in control of my dreams for many years now thanks to my love affair with the Nightmare on Elm Street series. Yes, you can control your dreams. Yes, it takes a LOT of practice. Yes, most of the time I just go with it and don't try and control anything. Last night was crazy. In my dreams I was super fat (not just my current fat, which is pretty fat) and my husbands ex-girlfriend (my stepson's mother) showed up and she was super skinny (which she is not now and has never been). If that alone wasn't bad enough, the dream took the usual course of my husband leaving me for her, then the apocalypse (am I the only one who dreams about the apocalypse on a regular basis?) and then I die because I'm too fat and out of shape to survive the harsh post-Ap living conditions. It was by far the worst dream I've had in a LONG time. I couldn't even think of controlling it because I was too flabbergasted by my extreme fatness. In response I took my husband to the gym tonight and possibly pushed myself too far. I know I pushed myself too hard during my cardio because it took me forever to catch my breath (can we say anaerobic workout?) but I won't know until tomorrow if I worked my legs and abs too hard. It's a fair bet that I did because I did the workout that my trainer showed me and then added some hamstring curls, calf raises, adductor, and abductor exercises. I stretched really good this time so hopefully I will be able to walk tomorrow. The worst part was when my husband asked me why I was pushing myself so hard and he didn't buy the excuse I gave him. He needled the dream out of me (damned soul mates and their ability to see right through you!) and then felt the need to prove to me how much he loved ME and not HER. That was fun. I'm scheduled to work the next three days and I just know I'm not going to be working all three days because it's a holiday and we are ridiculously overstaffed so I will make it back on whatever day I'm flexed. I hope everyone out there is well and feeling the warm fuzzies I am sending out to you. Be good my dear friends and if you can't be good, then be good at it!

The Beautiful People

I want to say thank you for the encouraging comments I got on my last post about work. Business has picked up a little bit and I've been able to actually go in and work my scheduled hours this week. My paycheck today was even two hundred dollars more than I had anticipated with the lack of hours so I'm relieved about that. I haven't posted in a week because I've been really busy between work and going to the gym with my husband. It's SO great to be working out again, and even more so with my husband. Now he actually gets a little down if he comes home and realizes we don't have enough time to go to the gym before I go to work or if the childcare is closed and we have no babysitter. It's a really nice feeling. Last night I had a patient who was in because of their COPD (they were still smoking so we had a little chat about that and I convinced them it was REALLY time to quit. For real.) Anyway, this patient was a very large person (about four hundred pounds) and we got to talking about things they could do to help improve their overall health and naturally diet came up. They said, "Oh I've got that covered. My doctor put me on a low-carb diet and so far I've lost 170 pounds." O. M. G. I was very impressed and I said as much. I told them that I too was on a doctor approved low-carb diet and was shooting for a loss of about the same amount. They were very encouraging and told me they were sure I could do it because, "You're a very intelligent and determined young lady. And if I can lose that much, anyone can." Now I'm sure it will be just a bit tougher to lose that much since I started from a lower weight but I know I can do it. That patient has no idea how inspiring they are to me. People like that are who I look to for encouragement to keep going. People who understand my battle. People who have really been there. People who aren't just ten or twenty pounds overweight, but who really understand what it's like to be in my place. Those people are beautiful to me, no matter what they look like.

It Worked and I'm Stressed

For the love of all things Holy, make it stop! I knew my legs would hurt (hurt is really an understatement) today but my abs are killing me. Thank God for ibuprofen 600s. Yesterday I wasn't sure that the workout even touched my abs. Obviously it did. Ye-ouch! Oh, but it is such sweet pain. Now if I could just get some more sleep before work tonight life would be even more grand. I'll just put the kettle on and make some Sleepytime. A couple of cups of that should relax me enough to sleep. Hopefully. I'm so stressed right now because my hospital has had a low census for the last three weeks and they've been calling people off every night. I've been called off twice in the last two weeks which has really taken a chunk out of my check. I'm supposed to work tonight and tomorrow and I'm VERY worried that they'll call me off. I have no vacation time so I'm not getting paid to be called off. I can't afford to be called off. I'm rambling I know. Pray for me. I need to work. What I need is a freak ice storm to come in and cause about ten or fifteen people to fall and break a hip or a shoulder or anything really. Ugh! Winter is usually the busiest time for hospitals. Maybe I should switch hospitals. *sigh* I'd hate to do that but let's face it....I need to take care of my family and myself.

Jello Legs

I had my first session with a personal trainer, EVER, today. I was so not looking forward to it because I've seen other fat people who sign up for sessions and get totally treated like garbage by the trainers. Unfortunately most trainers don't want to work with fat people (you know..the one's who REALLY need their help) and you can tell by their attitudes and expressions. Before I got to the gym I prayed that this trainer wouldn't be like that and (as usual) God delivered. Jeremiah LOOKED like your typical personal trainer. He was moderately good looking, very built, and full of energy. I thought, "Oh great, this is going to be the longest hour of my life." Then we started talking and he seemed very interested in my fitness background and very pleased that I was not only willing to work but that I was an Iron Sister (tm) as well. He even said, "It's so great that you aren't like the typical girls who come in here; who think the way to results are cardio, cardio, cardio, and  are resistant to hitting the weights." Uh, no. My parents were bodybuilders and long distance runners. I LOVE to pump me some iron. He then outlined a workout schedule and we talked about my goals. He took me through a leg and ab workout that I can do completely at home with the exception of one exercise and  it totally kicked my butt. I had forgotten how much I could sweat from resistance training. Throughout the session he was very encouraging and praised my effort and form. When I left the gym my legs felt like jello and I was on a post-workout endorphin high. I even discussed with him possible signing up for regular sessions. They're terribly expensive but the once a week plan seems do-able (after Christmas of course) and hopefully I can work it into the budget. Either way, I'm glad I met him because he proved to me that trainers who care about us fat chicks aren't just on television.

On another subject, I just couldn't handle the diet change my husband wanted. I had to go back to my low-carb eating. I gave it three days but I was miserable, bloated, and exhausted the entire time. I never felt like I was getting enough protein and the calorie restriction left me starving. The first day I went back to my "normal" eating was like heaven. I was so happy and even though I only ate about 300 more calories than with the "icky" eating, I never felt hungry or bloated or tired. It was awesome. It just goes to show, there isn't a one size fits all way of eating. For me and my body, the answer to health is carb control. For others it's calorie control. For others still it's fat control. For others it's points. Whatever works for YOU is what is the right way of eating for YOU. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about your choice. If God didn't make us different, it'd be a very boring world to live in.

Biting Bullets and Making Compromises

I've been complaining to my husband for awhile now that I want to get a weight bench and expand our free weights because I LOVE pumping iron. I know that the common view of gorgeous is rail thin but I find that completely unattractive. I think the fitness and figure competitors like Jennifer Nicole Lee, Jamie Eason, and Tosca Reno are the most beautiful women in the world. They are the epitome of health. Strong, confident, and still sporting some curves. Before my children came into being, this was the path I was on. My husband and I were workout partners in our early days of dating, when I was in firefighting school, and he's been mentioning getting a Bowflex. After pricing different setups I told him I should just bite the bullet and join a gym because then I could have ALL the equipment at a fraction of the cost. He kind of poo-poo'ed it and so I let it go. Then yesterday he presents me with a card for my key chain and a new iPod classic. The card was a membership card to a gym. He bought me a gym membership and an iPod for Christmas! I thought it was too good to be true...then came the catch. He's tired of eating low-carb and wants me to try calorie counting instead. I was flabbergasted. We'd been down this road before. Calorie counting drives me crazy and leaves too much room for binge triggers. So we compromised. I said we'd switch to Eating Clean and then I wouldn't really need to count calories and he'd get a bit of (whole grain) pasta. We'll see how this goes. I'll keep you updated. As for now, I can't get to the gym until Tuesday but I have a free personal training session scheduled for Tuesday morning. In the immortal words of Mario, "Here we go!"

New...Years Resolutions, Or Something Like That

I don't make New Years Resolutions. Haven't for years. I learned long ago that I am crap at sticking to them. I am, however, rather fond of lists. I make them constantly. My lists at work are the only way I get anything done so I've actually made a hard copy of my favorite list and I photocopy it for each patient, each night. I wanted to make a list of goals and rewards for my healthy journey but I got stuck at the rewards! (Seriously! Who can't think of things to give themselves?!? I'm such a freak.) I know what my ultimate-end-of-the-line-uber gift will be. I will give myself the gift of a lower body lift and a brachioplasty (if necessary). I need some suggestions for mini goals. Maybe some of you out in cyberspace will help. Here's my goal list:

• Lose 20 lbs (293)
• Lose 40 lbs (273)
• Lose 60 lbs (253)
• Lose 80 lbs (233)
• Lose 100 lbs (213)
• Lose 110 lbs (203)
• Lose 120 lbs (193)
• Lose 130 lbs (183)
• Lose 140 lbs (173) - This is actually how much I weighed when I was last wearing a loose size 10 so I will treat myself with a shopping spree.
• Lose 150 lbs (163)
• Lose 160 lbs (153)
• Lose 170 lbs (143)
• Lose 180 lbs (133)
• Lose 185 lbs ( 128) - Ultimate-end-of-the-line-uber gift (tm)

I also have a fitness goals list, but I think reaching those goals is a reward in and of itself. Here's that list:

•   Lose enough weight to get the okay from my orthopedic specialist to start running again (253 lb)

• Run 5K (this will be the first one I have RUN in ten years)
• Run 8K
• Run 10K
• Train for and finish half-marathon (walk/run combo is acceptable but running preferred)
• Train for and finish a marathon (preferably one of the Rock and Rolls, but if I haven't made it to California yet I 'd like to do the Cincinnati Flying Pig)
• Bench-press 140lb (I haven't been able to do this since I was in firefighting school)
• Dumbbell curl 25's
• Squat 250lb
• Do 25 military pushups
• Do 10 pull ups
• Get average mile pace to < 9min/mile (I'm not hung up on running super fast but this is what I was running when I ran cross country so I think it's a nice starter goal) 

Okay so those are the goals. I've also decided to do the whole "weigh in and take a picture of the scale" bit that seems to be popular. It's a good idea, and really it keeps you honest.  I'm not sure if I will do the picture part every week or bi-weekly but I will figure that out by next week.

Down with the Sickness

I have been quite out of sorts the last five days or so. You know that feeling when you're not really sick-sick but you feel like you're coming down with something? That's been me. I didn't have to worry about eating poorly on Thanksgiving because I was scheduled to work and my husband took the boys to his step-dad's family dinner. I ended up getting a call when I was half-way to work and they told me I HAD to be flexed/on-call because the hospital bed census was down. (Quick explanation: bed census=number of patients currently admitted. Low bed census=need for fewer nurses.) Although I usually don't mind being flexed (would YOU mind your job calling and saying, "Hey, want to get paid to stay home tonight and NOT get in trouble for it or have to make up some lame excuse for calling in?") I DID mind that night. Spending Thanksgiving alone was not my idea of a good time. Plus I missed out on the bonus money. (Insert frowny face of your choice here) The next night I went in to work and ended up being sent home after six hours for the same reason. Note to self: find job at busier hospital when move to California. By then Black Friday was in full swing and I did not want to deal with the crazies so I went home to let the hardcore shoppers get their 42" tvs for $238 at Wal-Mart. Later that morning I did go out with the boys and the husband but it wasn't for gift buying. I just wanted to take advantage of the sales to get some necessities. I took the boys to Burlington to get their winter gear (Two 3-in-1 system jackets, two pair waterproof gloves, two fleece-lined winter hats, and one pair of Addicted jeans = $130. Thank you very much.) Then I took my husband out to the too-tall-and-muscled-for-regular-clothing-stores store, he's 6'6" and worked construction before he became a chef, and picked him up two shirts and two pairs of jeans for buy one get one free. Then I went to Lame Bryant and got a nice pair of jeans for %50 off. They're a bit dressier than I usually wear but I have Christmas concerts and pageants coming up and my kids refuse to let me wear my scrubs to them. It's raining here today so even though I'm feeling better I don't foresee me doing much aside from running out to escape the children briefly and pick up the new copy of Interweave Knits. I might go to church with the hubs and kids this morning since I missed last night but we'll see. That's a long story.

I Watch Workout Shows

Okay I admit it. I watch workout shows on TV and don't do the workouts. Loser, I know, but hear me out. I've been "on a diet" as long as I can remember. I didn't need to be until after two pregnancies, but my mom was a very overweight child, who became a very overweight teenager, who's parents tried to make up for their horrendous parenting with horses, cars, and lots of food. Then they were embarrassed by my mom's weight so they signed for her to have an earlier, less severe version of a gastric bypass, and she lost a ton of weight. She'd already met my dad who was blown away by her beauty (and my mom has ALWAYS been abso-friggin-loutely GORGEOUS), and after three weeks of dating he decided that he would not re-up for a new tour in the Army, but would instead marry mom, go to college, and go back in the Army as an officer. So that's what's he did, but I digress. In the midst of all this goodness my mom was completely miserable over her weight and since she was underage, my grandparents had to signed for her surgery. After her surgery she married my dad and has been on a diet for the last thirty-three years. My earliest memory related to my weight was when I was in kindergarten. I was supposed to play a bumblebee in the school play and I told my mom I didn't want to because I thought the costume made me look fat. I did NOT have a weight problem as a child. In fact I was on the scrawny side until puberty gave me some curves. My mom thought it was cute that I was concerned about my weight (don't blame her, she didn't know any better). She never realized that her constant obsession with HER weight and HER constantly being on whatever diet was in fashion at the time, translated to ME being obsessed with MY weight and being on whatever diet was in fashion at the time. Consequently I've been on every diet that there was ever an infomercial for, really popular book for, Oprah toted, or that ever appeared on Phil Donahue (remember him?!?). Even in my rebellious teenage years when I decided that I wasn't going to obsess over my weight and conform to society's idea of "beauty" (translation= wild hair colors, piercings, tattoos, and really funky clothes) I secretly obsessed over my weight. I ditched hanging out and partying with my anti-establishment friends, washed off all that goth makeup, took out the piercings, pulled the purple hair up under my Nike running hat, threw on my Asics, and hit the treadmill or the gym. I never worried about running into them there because, let's face it, there'd be snow in Hell before they'd even think about working out. Oddly enough, my mom would frequently join me in my workouts and I was okay with this. Another thing we did was watch workout shows together. We never did the workouts. Just watched. Usually it was just motivation to us both to stay on our diets and stick to our workouts, but it was also time we spent laughing together (c'mon, most of them are funny to watch) and we didn't have to be the bitchy teenage daughter and the domineering mother. Today I got up, turned on the TV and soon found myself watching Gilead. I told myself it was only because he was on before A Baby Story, but I know that's bunk. I wanted that extra motivation for my workout this morning, and later I'm going to call my mom and we'll laugh about me watching it. My mom has always had to battle her weight, even with the surgery and recently got back down to a healthy weight and a normal BMI after losing over seventy pounds in a year. She's my best motivator and my biggest fan. Every pound I lose is important to her and she loves to cheer me on. I also told her that I'm not moving to California until I reach a healthy weight so she has LOTS of motivation to cheer me on. My treadmill is fixed again so my plan today is pretty simple. I'm going to do a couple of miles on the treadmill. Do my stretching routine. Do a simple upper body weight routine.  Then I will probably knit, nap, knit some more and eat healthy. Sounds like a pretty good day to me!

Idle Hands

While this blog is not meant to be only a weight loss blog, I have found that like most people my weight and my journey to slim down and get healthy impacts every area of my life. It takes me longer to get going in the morning (well, morning for ME, which is afternoon for everyone else). The decision to go out is more involved because I struggle with what to wear that will minimize the appearance of how big I am. Work is harder for me because I have to do the same stuff as everyone else and do it carrying around an extra 175 pounds. My co-workers don't care that I get tired more easily or that by halfway through the shift my back is aching. They just care that I get my work done so they're not doing their work plus mine, and there is nothing wrong with that. My weight is not their fault, nor should it be their responsibility. Being a good mom is harder because I can't keep up with my kids. I just don't have the energy, even after losing some weight. My marriage is affected because I constantly feel like I'm unattractive and therefore feel like I could lose my husband to someone thinner and prettier at any moment (though he repeatedly and vehemently denies this). He has told me he wants me to lose weight because I'm not healthy and he's been honest about finding me more attractive at my pre-baby weight, though at the same time he is afraid I want to lose too much and will be too skinny. Men, go figure. I believe I have finally gotten the whole mindless eating thing under control by just keeping my hands and mind busy. I used to just read all the time, but I've found that reading alone is too conducive to eating. Now I do things that can multitask. Like knitting. I've been a knitter for five years and I'm fairly accomplished. I've fair-isled. I've intarsia-ed. I've felted. I've steeked. I've designed and knit sweaters, socks, hats, and mittens. I have a lovely stash that continues to grow. I love my knitting. I now pair my knitting with audiobooks and podcasts and have found that I can go hours without eating as long as I have plenty of Diet Cherry Coke and water. About four and a half years ago I learned how to spin and now have not one but two spinning wheels. Spinning is great too. Between the two you'd think I'd never get bored, but after a lot of either I need a break (and my hands do too!) so my brother introduced me to World of Warcraft, an online game that allows me to keep my hands busy and also have some human interaction since it's multiplayer.  People make fun of people who do all of those things because of common misconceptions but they've been a life saver for me. Your whole day can't be just about what you're going to eat and when you will work out. You work out, you eat right, and then you (well, I) have to find ways to amuse yourself that don't involve a lot of driving around (my husband has the car most of the time), eating, or watching TV.  My house stays fairly clean because I'm a veritable Nazi about the kids picking up after themselves and since they're old enough, they contribute to the household by doing things like light vacuuming, doing the dishes, and folding and putting away their laundry. So that's what I do to keep myself busy. Moral of the story? Meh, I don't have one. I just had to keep my hands busy.

Arrrgh

Arrrgh. That's how I feel because my treadmill STILL is not fixed! Boo! I have not had a workout in a week because of this. Yes, I have workout videos but they do not motivate me or satisfy my need to sweat like my treadmill. I have a long and deep friendship with my treadmill. I don't think of it as a "dreadmill" because it offers me it's soothing hum of stress relief and weight loss whenever I want it. I never have to worry about the weather, my clothing, or the time of day. Maybe I don't mind the treadmill's monotony because I'm not training for a race and I've been a runner for a LONG time (regardless of the pounds I've put on and my not-so-steady running/walking schedule). I don't get bored because once my body gets past the initial "settling in" part of the run, my mind is free to go all stream of consciousness and sort through whatever needs to be sorted. Without talking to a single person or settling on a specific plan of action, this streaming is ridiculously helpful in relaxing me. I usually listen to music but I'll be honest, sometimes I get through half my playlist before I realize the music's on. So I've backed my hubs into the proverbial corner and threatened the withholding of sex if my buddy's not fixed PRONTO. I predict it will be fixed tomorrow. ;-p

So Tired

Today I woke up exhausted. I slept long enough. It wasn't solid sleep because I woke up every few hours, but that's pretty standard for me and when I wake up it's usually just to roll over and I go right back to sleep. I love sleep. I love TO sleep. I am one of those people who could spend a rainy day sleeping and not feel a bit guilty about it. But I digress. I woke up exhausted and not in the mood to get up and get going AT ALL. I don't have a work out planned for today or tomorrow because I have to work so that's at least one thing I don't have to get motivated for. I know when I get going I will actually have more energy but on days like today it's really hard. Does anybody else have this problem?

Strive for...Something

So I have this pet peeve with well meaning people who, after they find out I'm on a mission to get healthy, ask me how much weight I want to lose and then balk when I tell them. Well, YOU asked. Sometimes it's followed up with, "I'm sure you can do it." More often than not I get, "Don't you think that's a bit much to lose?" or "I wouldn't set myself up for failure like that." Uh...thanks. Wasn't planning on it. I know they don't realize what they're doing, but I want to smack them. My goal weight is 125lbs. I currently weigh 300lbs. My starting weight was 312. I'm 5'5in tall and I actually have a small frame (no getting away with saying I'm 'big boned' because at 312 I still only wore a size 7 ring and a size 8 shoe) so according to the insurance charts, 125 is my "perfect" weight. That being said, I am NOT hung up on the number. I'm a nurse for goodness sakes. I know all about body composition and fat distribution, and let's not forget that I'm going to have some excess skin when it's all said and done. I say 125 because it gives me a nice, concrete goal to work towards. I will most likely settle at around 135-140 because I like having muscles and when I was a size 10 last, I weighed 175lbs. I'm not going to feel like a failure if the scale never says 125 while I'm on it. There are people who can make goals like, "I just want to feel better" or "I want to be comfortable in my body" and that's enough for them. I have those goals along with "I want to wear a size 4 jeans" and "I want to wear size small Koi scrubs" because I am someone who NEEDS concrete goals. When I ran cross country I had days when the coach would say to us, "Go run until you think you've run far enough and then come back." Those days sucked for me. I was never able to relax and focus on the run because I was constantly worrying if I'd run far enough. Tell me to go run five miles and do four splits, and I'm happy. Tell me to lose enough weight to make me happy and I'll fail. Tell me to shoot for losing 175lbs and if I get close I'll be satisfied. I know it's a little OCD and Type A (which I'm not, really), but it works for me. I never make fun of other peoples goals or assume they will fail because they aren't concrete or they're terribly different from mine, because as long as they work for that individual they're good goals.