One Line is A Good Sign

     Ladies, you know that line I'm talking about. One line good. Two lines and there is usually a rather emotional response. Now this is just in MY case. In many cases that second line is eagerly anticipated and dreamed about nightly. In fact, that second line can be what consumes some folks lives. I love both of my "second lines" dearly and don't regret their being for one second. I even plan on having another one. Just not. right. now. While it might seem like no big deal to some people, I am one of those folks who knows from experience that no matter how prepared you are, a child completely changes the dynamic of your life. It doesn't matter if you already have one (or more), that addition changes things. It might seem cruel that where some have trouble making that miracle occur I have just the opposite issue. I won't go in to the dirty details (your welcome) so let's just say that no matter what form of birth control I use, have used, or will use, I always have a HPT on hand (usually more than one). 
     Here's why NOW is NOT a good time for that second line to pop up: 1) I'm still far to obese to support a healthy pregnancy, delivery, and recovery. While many women my size and age have had healthy pregnancies, uncomplicated deliveries, and require minimal recovery; my history of two complicated pregnancies, two c-section deliveries, and one post-op complication means that the closer I am to my goal weight when I get pregnant, the better the chances for me and the baby. 2) I am moving to California this year. Getting pregnant would delay that move by at least a year to allow for the pregnancy and post-op period. You can't get short-term disability if you haven't been with a hospital for at least a year and that is how most nurses make ends meet when they are off for maternity leave (STD usually pays out 60% of your salary for up to six months). Plus...what hospital in California is going to hire a nurse knowing she's pregnant and going to be off for at least six weeks only a short time after being hired? I wouldn't. 3) I JUST got back in the game! I want to see that scale going down! I want to buy smaller clothes and then smaller and smaller, etc! I want to start running again (safely)! I have other fitness and health goals but you get the point. I'd like to achieve the BIG ones before I get pregnant again.  So fare I've taken two test and both were negative. If I don't get the definitive answer in the next few days, I'll test again on Sunday. Wish me luck because I'd really like to be all healthy and settled in California before bringing the next mini-me into the world.

Back In Action

Today was my first (authorized) day back in the gym. I had NO pain in my foot, NO pain in my ribs, and I could actually breathe. It was AWESOME!!! I had to cut my cardio back by five minutes due to some intense lung burning (probably due to some scarring caused by the pneumonia) but it was only five minutes and that is acceptable for now. I then went on to have an awesome upper body workout. I'm so glad to be back in action. I was seriously starting to get the Black Dog following me and it was NOT Sirius Black. When I went in to the gym and scanned my card the manager was at the desk and he said, "Rebecca! Good to see you back and on the mend!" So sweet of him. I know my tendency to overdue it when I feel good so I'm taking tomorrow to rest and then going back on Wednesday. I can already tell that my arms are going to be sore tomorrow. Is it weird that that makes me smile?

It Happens

Hey there blog land! I know we haven't talked in awhile, but it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you. My life went into a tailspin of illness and injury and it's still not over. I haven't quite been able to kick the pneumonia completely and even though the stress fracture in my foot has healed...my heel is now shooting red hot pokers up my calf. On top of that in a sleep induced haze I tripped over my dog and did a swan dive into my closet, seriously bruising the crap out of my ribs. If it wasn't so painful...I'd be rolling on the floor laughing at my misfortune. Actually I have been laughing at my misfortune because let's face it, it's funny. I haven't been this clumsy since I was a small child. Needless to say, I have been on hiatus from dieting and exercising. Please forgive me friends and please pray for my speedy recovery.

Faux Pas

Um, yeah. So I've been in a real rut for the last week because I've been battling a case of pneumonia. I hate being sick but most of all I got depressed because my doc told me I couldn't workout until the pneumonia was cleared up. I had just gotten into a routine of eating right and going to the gym and then BLAMMO! Stupid pneumonia. Well it's clearing up finally but it's taking some time. I am not good about eating right when I'm sick and on top of that I've still been working (because if I can get the hours I'm working them after the past couple months of being forced to not work), so I've been MIA because I'm ashamed of myself. There are plenty of folks who can get sick and not throw everything out the window. I thought I was one but not this time. Yesterday I was helping another nurse with a VERY confused and agitated patient and in the midst of making sure she didn't fall and break her hip, she repeatedly called me a big, fat, hog. That did not help my mood. Stupid confused patients. Stupid pneumonia. Stupid rut. Well, I'm not going to take it anymore. Screw everything. I may not be able to exercise but dammit I can eat right.

These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes

I had the worst nightmare last night. In my dreams I'm usually at my pre-baby, hotness, weight and I basically kick ass. I've been in control of my dreams for many years now thanks to my love affair with the Nightmare on Elm Street series. Yes, you can control your dreams. Yes, it takes a LOT of practice. Yes, most of the time I just go with it and don't try and control anything. Last night was crazy. In my dreams I was super fat (not just my current fat, which is pretty fat) and my husbands ex-girlfriend (my stepson's mother) showed up and she was super skinny (which she is not now and has never been). If that alone wasn't bad enough, the dream took the usual course of my husband leaving me for her, then the apocalypse (am I the only one who dreams about the apocalypse on a regular basis?) and then I die because I'm too fat and out of shape to survive the harsh post-Ap living conditions. It was by far the worst dream I've had in a LONG time. I couldn't even think of controlling it because I was too flabbergasted by my extreme fatness. In response I took my husband to the gym tonight and possibly pushed myself too far. I know I pushed myself too hard during my cardio because it took me forever to catch my breath (can we say anaerobic workout?) but I won't know until tomorrow if I worked my legs and abs too hard. It's a fair bet that I did because I did the workout that my trainer showed me and then added some hamstring curls, calf raises, adductor, and abductor exercises. I stretched really good this time so hopefully I will be able to walk tomorrow. The worst part was when my husband asked me why I was pushing myself so hard and he didn't buy the excuse I gave him. He needled the dream out of me (damned soul mates and their ability to see right through you!) and then felt the need to prove to me how much he loved ME and not HER. That was fun. I'm scheduled to work the next three days and I just know I'm not going to be working all three days because it's a holiday and we are ridiculously overstaffed so I will make it back on whatever day I'm flexed. I hope everyone out there is well and feeling the warm fuzzies I am sending out to you. Be good my dear friends and if you can't be good, then be good at it!

The Beautiful People

I want to say thank you for the encouraging comments I got on my last post about work. Business has picked up a little bit and I've been able to actually go in and work my scheduled hours this week. My paycheck today was even two hundred dollars more than I had anticipated with the lack of hours so I'm relieved about that. I haven't posted in a week because I've been really busy between work and going to the gym with my husband. It's SO great to be working out again, and even more so with my husband. Now he actually gets a little down if he comes home and realizes we don't have enough time to go to the gym before I go to work or if the childcare is closed and we have no babysitter. It's a really nice feeling. Last night I had a patient who was in because of their COPD (they were still smoking so we had a little chat about that and I convinced them it was REALLY time to quit. For real.) Anyway, this patient was a very large person (about four hundred pounds) and we got to talking about things they could do to help improve their overall health and naturally diet came up. They said, "Oh I've got that covered. My doctor put me on a low-carb diet and so far I've lost 170 pounds." O. M. G. I was very impressed and I said as much. I told them that I too was on a doctor approved low-carb diet and was shooting for a loss of about the same amount. They were very encouraging and told me they were sure I could do it because, "You're a very intelligent and determined young lady. And if I can lose that much, anyone can." Now I'm sure it will be just a bit tougher to lose that much since I started from a lower weight but I know I can do it. That patient has no idea how inspiring they are to me. People like that are who I look to for encouragement to keep going. People who understand my battle. People who have really been there. People who aren't just ten or twenty pounds overweight, but who really understand what it's like to be in my place. Those people are beautiful to me, no matter what they look like.

It Worked and I'm Stressed

For the love of all things Holy, make it stop! I knew my legs would hurt (hurt is really an understatement) today but my abs are killing me. Thank God for ibuprofen 600s. Yesterday I wasn't sure that the workout even touched my abs. Obviously it did. Ye-ouch! Oh, but it is such sweet pain. Now if I could just get some more sleep before work tonight life would be even more grand. I'll just put the kettle on and make some Sleepytime. A couple of cups of that should relax me enough to sleep. Hopefully. I'm so stressed right now because my hospital has had a low census for the last three weeks and they've been calling people off every night. I've been called off twice in the last two weeks which has really taken a chunk out of my check. I'm supposed to work tonight and tomorrow and I'm VERY worried that they'll call me off. I have no vacation time so I'm not getting paid to be called off. I can't afford to be called off. I'm rambling I know. Pray for me. I need to work. What I need is a freak ice storm to come in and cause about ten or fifteen people to fall and break a hip or a shoulder or anything really. Ugh! Winter is usually the busiest time for hospitals. Maybe I should switch hospitals. *sigh* I'd hate to do that but let's face it....I need to take care of my family and myself.