These Dreams Go On When I Close My Eyes

I had the worst nightmare last night. In my dreams I'm usually at my pre-baby, hotness, weight and I basically kick ass. I've been in control of my dreams for many years now thanks to my love affair with the Nightmare on Elm Street series. Yes, you can control your dreams. Yes, it takes a LOT of practice. Yes, most of the time I just go with it and don't try and control anything. Last night was crazy. In my dreams I was super fat (not just my current fat, which is pretty fat) and my husbands ex-girlfriend (my stepson's mother) showed up and she was super skinny (which she is not now and has never been). If that alone wasn't bad enough, the dream took the usual course of my husband leaving me for her, then the apocalypse (am I the only one who dreams about the apocalypse on a regular basis?) and then I die because I'm too fat and out of shape to survive the harsh post-Ap living conditions. It was by far the worst dream I've had in a LONG time. I couldn't even think of controlling it because I was too flabbergasted by my extreme fatness. In response I took my husband to the gym tonight and possibly pushed myself too far. I know I pushed myself too hard during my cardio because it took me forever to catch my breath (can we say anaerobic workout?) but I won't know until tomorrow if I worked my legs and abs too hard. It's a fair bet that I did because I did the workout that my trainer showed me and then added some hamstring curls, calf raises, adductor, and abductor exercises. I stretched really good this time so hopefully I will be able to walk tomorrow. The worst part was when my husband asked me why I was pushing myself so hard and he didn't buy the excuse I gave him. He needled the dream out of me (damned soul mates and their ability to see right through you!) and then felt the need to prove to me how much he loved ME and not HER. That was fun. I'm scheduled to work the next three days and I just know I'm not going to be working all three days because it's a holiday and we are ridiculously overstaffed so I will make it back on whatever day I'm flexed. I hope everyone out there is well and feeling the warm fuzzies I am sending out to you. Be good my dear friends and if you can't be good, then be good at it!

The Beautiful People

I want to say thank you for the encouraging comments I got on my last post about work. Business has picked up a little bit and I've been able to actually go in and work my scheduled hours this week. My paycheck today was even two hundred dollars more than I had anticipated with the lack of hours so I'm relieved about that. I haven't posted in a week because I've been really busy between work and going to the gym with my husband. It's SO great to be working out again, and even more so with my husband. Now he actually gets a little down if he comes home and realizes we don't have enough time to go to the gym before I go to work or if the childcare is closed and we have no babysitter. It's a really nice feeling. Last night I had a patient who was in because of their COPD (they were still smoking so we had a little chat about that and I convinced them it was REALLY time to quit. For real.) Anyway, this patient was a very large person (about four hundred pounds) and we got to talking about things they could do to help improve their overall health and naturally diet came up. They said, "Oh I've got that covered. My doctor put me on a low-carb diet and so far I've lost 170 pounds." O. M. G. I was very impressed and I said as much. I told them that I too was on a doctor approved low-carb diet and was shooting for a loss of about the same amount. They were very encouraging and told me they were sure I could do it because, "You're a very intelligent and determined young lady. And if I can lose that much, anyone can." Now I'm sure it will be just a bit tougher to lose that much since I started from a lower weight but I know I can do it. That patient has no idea how inspiring they are to me. People like that are who I look to for encouragement to keep going. People who understand my battle. People who have really been there. People who aren't just ten or twenty pounds overweight, but who really understand what it's like to be in my place. Those people are beautiful to me, no matter what they look like.

It Worked and I'm Stressed

For the love of all things Holy, make it stop! I knew my legs would hurt (hurt is really an understatement) today but my abs are killing me. Thank God for ibuprofen 600s. Yesterday I wasn't sure that the workout even touched my abs. Obviously it did. Ye-ouch! Oh, but it is such sweet pain. Now if I could just get some more sleep before work tonight life would be even more grand. I'll just put the kettle on and make some Sleepytime. A couple of cups of that should relax me enough to sleep. Hopefully. I'm so stressed right now because my hospital has had a low census for the last three weeks and they've been calling people off every night. I've been called off twice in the last two weeks which has really taken a chunk out of my check. I'm supposed to work tonight and tomorrow and I'm VERY worried that they'll call me off. I have no vacation time so I'm not getting paid to be called off. I can't afford to be called off. I'm rambling I know. Pray for me. I need to work. What I need is a freak ice storm to come in and cause about ten or fifteen people to fall and break a hip or a shoulder or anything really. Ugh! Winter is usually the busiest time for hospitals. Maybe I should switch hospitals. *sigh* I'd hate to do that but let's face it....I need to take care of my family and myself.

Jello Legs

I had my first session with a personal trainer, EVER, today. I was so not looking forward to it because I've seen other fat people who sign up for sessions and get totally treated like garbage by the trainers. Unfortunately most trainers don't want to work with fat people (you know..the one's who REALLY need their help) and you can tell by their attitudes and expressions. Before I got to the gym I prayed that this trainer wouldn't be like that and (as usual) God delivered. Jeremiah LOOKED like your typical personal trainer. He was moderately good looking, very built, and full of energy. I thought, "Oh great, this is going to be the longest hour of my life." Then we started talking and he seemed very interested in my fitness background and very pleased that I was not only willing to work but that I was an Iron Sister (tm) as well. He even said, "It's so great that you aren't like the typical girls who come in here; who think the way to results are cardio, cardio, cardio, and  are resistant to hitting the weights." Uh, no. My parents were bodybuilders and long distance runners. I LOVE to pump me some iron. He then outlined a workout schedule and we talked about my goals. He took me through a leg and ab workout that I can do completely at home with the exception of one exercise and  it totally kicked my butt. I had forgotten how much I could sweat from resistance training. Throughout the session he was very encouraging and praised my effort and form. When I left the gym my legs felt like jello and I was on a post-workout endorphin high. I even discussed with him possible signing up for regular sessions. They're terribly expensive but the once a week plan seems do-able (after Christmas of course) and hopefully I can work it into the budget. Either way, I'm glad I met him because he proved to me that trainers who care about us fat chicks aren't just on television.

On another subject, I just couldn't handle the diet change my husband wanted. I had to go back to my low-carb eating. I gave it three days but I was miserable, bloated, and exhausted the entire time. I never felt like I was getting enough protein and the calorie restriction left me starving. The first day I went back to my "normal" eating was like heaven. I was so happy and even though I only ate about 300 more calories than with the "icky" eating, I never felt hungry or bloated or tired. It was awesome. It just goes to show, there isn't a one size fits all way of eating. For me and my body, the answer to health is carb control. For others it's calorie control. For others still it's fat control. For others it's points. Whatever works for YOU is what is the right way of eating for YOU. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about your choice. If God didn't make us different, it'd be a very boring world to live in.

Biting Bullets and Making Compromises

I've been complaining to my husband for awhile now that I want to get a weight bench and expand our free weights because I LOVE pumping iron. I know that the common view of gorgeous is rail thin but I find that completely unattractive. I think the fitness and figure competitors like Jennifer Nicole Lee, Jamie Eason, and Tosca Reno are the most beautiful women in the world. They are the epitome of health. Strong, confident, and still sporting some curves. Before my children came into being, this was the path I was on. My husband and I were workout partners in our early days of dating, when I was in firefighting school, and he's been mentioning getting a Bowflex. After pricing different setups I told him I should just bite the bullet and join a gym because then I could have ALL the equipment at a fraction of the cost. He kind of poo-poo'ed it and so I let it go. Then yesterday he presents me with a card for my key chain and a new iPod classic. The card was a membership card to a gym. He bought me a gym membership and an iPod for Christmas! I thought it was too good to be true...then came the catch. He's tired of eating low-carb and wants me to try calorie counting instead. I was flabbergasted. We'd been down this road before. Calorie counting drives me crazy and leaves too much room for binge triggers. So we compromised. I said we'd switch to Eating Clean and then I wouldn't really need to count calories and he'd get a bit of (whole grain) pasta. We'll see how this goes. I'll keep you updated. As for now, I can't get to the gym until Tuesday but I have a free personal training session scheduled for Tuesday morning. In the immortal words of Mario, "Here we go!"

New...Years Resolutions, Or Something Like That

I don't make New Years Resolutions. Haven't for years. I learned long ago that I am crap at sticking to them. I am, however, rather fond of lists. I make them constantly. My lists at work are the only way I get anything done so I've actually made a hard copy of my favorite list and I photocopy it for each patient, each night. I wanted to make a list of goals and rewards for my healthy journey but I got stuck at the rewards! (Seriously! Who can't think of things to give themselves?!? I'm such a freak.) I know what my ultimate-end-of-the-line-uber gift will be. I will give myself the gift of a lower body lift and a brachioplasty (if necessary). I need some suggestions for mini goals. Maybe some of you out in cyberspace will help. Here's my goal list:

• Lose 20 lbs (293)
• Lose 40 lbs (273)
• Lose 60 lbs (253)
• Lose 80 lbs (233)
• Lose 100 lbs (213)
• Lose 110 lbs (203)
• Lose 120 lbs (193)
• Lose 130 lbs (183)
• Lose 140 lbs (173) - This is actually how much I weighed when I was last wearing a loose size 10 so I will treat myself with a shopping spree.
• Lose 150 lbs (163)
• Lose 160 lbs (153)
• Lose 170 lbs (143)
• Lose 180 lbs (133)
• Lose 185 lbs ( 128) - Ultimate-end-of-the-line-uber gift (tm)

I also have a fitness goals list, but I think reaching those goals is a reward in and of itself. Here's that list:

•   Lose enough weight to get the okay from my orthopedic specialist to start running again (253 lb)

• Run 5K (this will be the first one I have RUN in ten years)
• Run 8K
• Run 10K
• Train for and finish half-marathon (walk/run combo is acceptable but running preferred)
• Train for and finish a marathon (preferably one of the Rock and Rolls, but if I haven't made it to California yet I 'd like to do the Cincinnati Flying Pig)
• Bench-press 140lb (I haven't been able to do this since I was in firefighting school)
• Dumbbell curl 25's
• Squat 250lb
• Do 25 military pushups
• Do 10 pull ups
• Get average mile pace to < 9min/mile (I'm not hung up on running super fast but this is what I was running when I ran cross country so I think it's a nice starter goal) 

Okay so those are the goals. I've also decided to do the whole "weigh in and take a picture of the scale" bit that seems to be popular. It's a good idea, and really it keeps you honest.  I'm not sure if I will do the picture part every week or bi-weekly but I will figure that out by next week.